How your Sensory Systems Impacts your Sex Life
Sex, at its core, is a sensory experience.
Every single human being processes sensory input with a slightly different tuning fork - what we see (vision), hear (auditory), smell (olfactory), taste (gustatory), touch (tactile), how we read out internal needs such as hunger, pain, and thirst (interoception), as well as where our heads are in space (vestibular) and what are muscles/joints are doing (proprioception) are all considered senses. Each of these sensory systems has its own little meter taking in, processing, and responding to sensory information.
Since we’re all sensing beings and no two people are truly the same, there is a large gray space of what’s considered “normal” or “average.” Imagine each sensory system as its own stereo. There’s a range of volume dials that most would choose as comfortable. There’s also a range of dials most would choose for certain circumstances (e.g., in the background during work or conversations), and ranges for other experiences (e.g., a dance party).
Those with disordered or differences in sensory processing experience certain sensory systems with the volume turned up too high or turned down very low to the point that it impacts how they interact with the world around them and the people in it.
Sensory differences can impact individuals with a variety of neurodivergence - from ADD, ASD, to anxiety and bipolar disorder, to those who have experienced any type of trauma. While sensory differences and disordered sensory processing can impact many areas of life, there is an area that is often overlooked: intimacy.
Intimacy with a partner engages multiple and potentially conflicting sensory systems. Sensory experiences during sex can be unpredictable and varied. With a fluctuation in sensation someone can go from a big OHH to a big ICK. Under certain circumstances, a person may seek out a sensation, and also struggle to make sense of others. It is common for someone to be overstimulated in one system and under-responsive in another. Sexual acts can involve a series of movements and positions, so those with difficulties in planning, coordinating, and executing movement also need to understand the sensory motor demands.
Danielle Centi DrOT, OTR/L,CBIS, says, “if you don’t understand your own body, it's hard to communicate that to someone else.” She recommends exploring your own body’s responses to different sensations before involving another person - a concept referred to as ‘body mapping.’ Knowing what sensations always feel good, sometimes feel good, and never feel good are valuable when bringing in a partner. Body mapping with a partner is exploring sensation and the responses they elicit without expectation or outcome of sex.
Regardless of where you or your partner fall on the neuro-typical to neurodivergent spectrum, the first and most important step to intimacy is establishing a sense of safety. And not just the overt running from a lion, walking alone in a dark alley sort of safety. This type of safety is an autonomic nervous system response that skips brain level rational thinking. For sexual arousal and pleasure, the nervous system has to be in a parasympathetic (rest, digest, and sex) state. If you’re someone who tends to live in fight, flight, or freeze mode - as many of us do - and easily become overwhelmed or averse to input in your day, body safety or what I like to call ‘body yes’ requires some tuning into your needs/wants and clear conversations with a partner.
How to begin creating safety in an intimate context
Whether you’re bringing a new partner into the bedroom or a familiar partner, communication is imperative. Talk about what helps you feel comfortable, what you like, what you don’t like, how you like to be touched, where you like to be touched
Context is Key. Talking about sex during the heat of the moment can be vulnerable. It can be difficult to compassionately and clearly communicate, and also hard to receive feedback without becoming defensive. Begin conversations outside of an intimate context, when the stakes are lower and there isn’t a pressure to ‘do’ anything.
Discuss the vibe/energy level you and your partner are looking for in the moment and potential position options. It’s okay if that changes. You can communicate as you go.
Safe words or gestures. Using safe words or gestures (e.g., 2 taps on the shoulder) can help to share where you’re at physically and emotionally. Another example is using a color system. Green for “go”, Yellow for “slow down”, and Red for “stop”.
A shared understanding of boundaries, likeness, and differences will contribute to a safe and enriching intimate exploration. Having strategies to support you and your partner before reaching a state of overwhelm/aversion is important for maintaining that ‘body yes’ we’re looking for and need to experience for both safety and pleasure. This is where you can incorporate tweaks to the environment and/or add aids.
Intimacy Tools For Our Sensory System
When Picking Out External Aids & Tools…
Pick out tools or aids together
You can pick out from your already established toolbox or purchase new ones together
Be Picky
There are about 100 million different products out there of all price ranges. Oftentimes you can use household, easy to find tools. Others can be purchased and delivered to your home in a discreet way. Stores often have samples of products for you to get a sense of size, texture, sounds, etc. Choose what feels like a true ‘body yes’ not a ‘body meh’
Bringing in external tools that match your sensory needs can get overwhelming and confusing. Alex Papale PT, DPT, a pelvic floor physical therapist and sex educator, offered recommendations on some tools to explore depending on whether you want to turn up or down the volume of your sensory experience based on each sensory system.
Tactile: How does Touch impact the Heat of the Moment
Physical touch is one of the most common ways intimacy is explored and expressed. Touch can be light, deep, vibration, kneading, tickles. It can include temperature. You can want certain types of touch and dislike others. You can enjoy certain types of touch when paired with something else (such as touch within your visual field) and dislike it under different circumstances.
Environmental/Task Considerations
Temperature: If you experience responses to cold or heat - use fans, blankets, or heaters to adjust accordingly
Textures: bedding and clothing
Wetness or stickiness: avoid lip gloss, closed mouth/drier kisses
Tools to Turn Up Tactile Stimuli
Massage oils, massage/massage tools, vibrator (see vibrator recommendations), penis rings, etc,
Experiment with different types of lubricant. Uberlube is a less tacky, smooth option. Use unlubricated condoms and add your preferred brand.
Tools to Turn Down Tactile Stimuli
Gloves & More
Nitrile gloves - great and affordable option. Alex recommends black to feel less medical
Textured stroker that goes between fingers - decreases skin to skin contact, can cool or warm for those interested in exploring temperature changes
Underwear: decreases skin to skin contact or skin to mouth contact
Lorals - Bonus! FDA approved to prevent STI transmission
Latex Crotchless
Latex Full Panel
Auditory: How Sound Impacts Your Responses in Sex
There are a lot of sounds during sex. Sounds of bodies touching, partners making noises, environmental noises, music. Our auditory systems may be craving for more or putting up a yellow (or red) flag depending on the situation.
Environment Considerations
If distracting - find quiet private places. Avoid televisions and music.
Create a playlist together
Tools to Turn Up Auditory Stimulation
Music/Sound Recommendations
Sound Machine - a Spotify series that has a huge library of 12 hour sounds that loop. Not inherently sexual but includes rain sounds, fireplace, brown noise, nature sounds that can be helpful to have on in the background
lo-fi beats or sensual lofi are playlists that are more ambient but not too distracting. No words/intense volume changes
Audio Erotica options: both sites have a huge variety of voices and include LGBTQ+ stories
Tools to Turn Down Auditory Stimulation
Manta Sound Mask: This is a splurge, but it’s blackout and has noise canceling capabilities with bluetooth speakers in the sides of the mask!
Tenga eggs using vibration aids and irritated by their sound? These go over heads of vibrators/wands to help dull sound/vibration intensity
Touch + Auditory: Vibrator Recs Based on Sensation
Super soft and squishy rumbly vibrator - very low level vibration, great for folks who are interested in vibration but not too much
Buzzy vibrators are good for folks who like lighter vibration in general - noting that buzzy vibration sounds high pitched to some people
Tenga eggs are strokers but can go over heads of vibrators/wands to help dull sound/vibration intensity
Thrusting toys may be a good option if someone is interested in an internal toy but does not like/want vibration. Of course not all are anal safe.
Vision: How Sight Impacts Can Impact Your Response in the Heat of the Moment
Visually there’s a lot that may be going on - watching your partner, eye contact, lighting, clutter, that can make or break the sexy mood.
Environment Considerations
Clean, minimalistic spaces for cluttered distracting environments
Bright lights can be overwhelming. Try dimming lamps or candles
Explore lighting options - warmer light or lighting closer to the floor will offer a different experience than overhead lighting/daylight.
Could also put a sheer material or scarf etc over a lamp to change the visuals
Tools to Turn Up Visual Stimulation
Mirrors
A tripod - record an experience and watch back. This may help if people are not interested in eye contact in the moment, but still want to be seen/feel seen by their partners
Watch others leading up to or in the heat of the moment
Porn recs with a twist - Afterglow - includes educational porn ; Crash pad series; Aorta Films award winning studio that is queer and trans run; Bellesa
OMGYes - video how-to’s that are honest and education based
Tools to Turn Down Visual Stimulation
Eye mask: any eye mask may do! Here are some of our recommendations
Heart eyes blindfold - so cute!
Weighted eye mask - for those who seek out that grounded weighty feeling. It’s not particularly sexy but looks quite secure
Hood: to occlude vision + to dampen sound
Smell & Taste: How Smell & Taste Impact Your Participation in S.E.X
Intimate moments may include scents - from colognes and laundry detergent, to lubricants and condoms, to natural body odors. Intense smells can negatively impact individuals with sensory differences.
In addition, our taste buds may take in a lot of sensation during intimate moments - lip gloss, flavored products, mints, gum, salty skin, bodily fluids. If you or your partner are averse to taste there are many things to consider.
Environmental/task considerations
Take a shower or bath together
You may want to consider the smell/taste intensity of…
Lip gloss, flavored products, mints, gum, breath mints, cologne
Tools/Aids to Turn Up Taste Stimuli
Flavored lubricants: can amp up flavor or tune down averse flavors if folks dont like the taste of silicone, latex, etc.
Try sample size options from your local sex shop. You may be able to taste samples in the store and know if the flavor works for you
Note: many flavored lubes use artificial sweeteners, which has a flavor itself that may be aversive
Tools/Aids to Turn Down Taste Stimuli
Lorals - making a second appearance on this list! Great for folks on their periods, or people who don’t love the taste of body fluids/worried about STIs, or are hesitant to experience/perform analingus due to sanitary concerns
Ways to occlude taste and remove use of the mouth
Proprioception/Vestibular: How our muscles and head positioning impact our responses during SEX
Proprioception is the sense of where your muscles and joints are in space. Vestibular system the sense of understanding where your head is in space. Certain positions of the body or head can become disorienting. Some seek out intense proprioceptive or vestibular sensations engaging in intense positions. Some are comfy others need to be stable and stationary, others crave movement
Considerations & Product Recommendations
Take breaks to orient and re-align the body
Positioning with bolsters or stacking pillows
Positioning strap made in plus size options as well!
Wand harness can attach to pillows to make grinding/laying on top of it easier/a hands-free option
Restraints can be helpful if movement itself is disorienting
Remote controlled or app controlled aids
We vibe toys with remotes/app controlled features
Wearable “panty” vibe - app controlled, sound controlled, and wearable
OLY app-enabled Vibrator - an affordable app controlled vibe
Ergonomics of external aids & handle options
Rabbit toy from unbound has a large, easy to hold handle
Miss Bi & Manta are two aids that have wider handles with a thumb holder. Bonus points for Manta for being a penis friendly vibe!
Le wand Chrome point - partially metal, heavier, and easier to grind against/lay on top of your body
Decrease movement
Thrusting + Vibration - a hands free option
Thrusting toy -decreases need for movement - more subtle with smaller movements
Interoception: How Homeostasis impacts your response to SEX
Someone with trouble with interoception might have trouble knowing whether they are hungry, tired, cold, warm, in pain, or sexually aroused. They might have trouble reading their own emotions and body cues, so clear dialogue is important.
Considerations
Check-in regularly
Questions like “how is this feeling for you?” “Are you comfortable?” “How does this feel in your body when ___ is happening?” or “Do you want to adjust anything?” give all people involved the time and space to decide if any adjustments need to be made
Conclusion
Our sensory system is the compass for pleasure. Creating an environment that allows for a playful and curious mindset with engaged communication will support a safe and confident exploration of pleasure. Enjoy!
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